No One's Looking...

Sometimes when no one is looking, I cry.

Sometimes I dress up in clothes I dare to wear and DON'T.

Sometimes I paint beautiful images that flow from my heart.

Sometimes I wonder if I am loved.

         And sometimes I sleep. 

Who are YOU when no one is looking?  

Sometimes I know that I am safe, 

    Sometimes I don't.  

Sometimes I know 

AND 

believe I am ENOUGH.

Sometimes I even forget to act tough.

When no one's looking I can get scared, 

Sometimes we can't help it, and 

wonder does anybody really care?

Sometimes I hold on tight to the love I feel and can not see.

I trust that my enoughness is enough and let it be.

Who are you sometimes is a piece of who you are as a whole.

Who you are sometimes is ENOUGH. 

Sometimes make up all the little pieces of YOU!

And YOU are ENOUGH!  

Who are you when no one is looking?  

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Heart Wide Open...

Today is Valentine's Day.  

Yup, it is a very polarized holiday.  

I myself have been known to criticize and grumble about it.  

I have decided in my journey to enoughness that it is once again time to let go of old patterns and bad habits.  Yes, even the grumblings that come easily from my own fears of not being enough.  I will work on saying what I need to say, when I need to say it, where i need to say it.

So today I sit here with my heart wide open, embracing that what I say might be too much, yet always from my heart of hearts, sometimes with a kick and sometimes with gentle kindness.  Always me!

With my heart wide open I say to you how much I love you and appreciate you in my life (online & irl).

Your friendship, support, and love  

(sometimes a kick in the ass or a dangerously lovely message) get me through tough times, celebrate the good ones and always have my back.  

I give my love, friendship & support to YOU 

openly and with a grateful heart! 

I leave you with a lovely video reminder...courtesy of the wonderful John Mayer...

Swedish Red Fish & Diet Dr. Pepper

Changing.  Growing.  Discovering.  

Unearthing.  Moving.  Shifting.  

Whatever "it" is that you have been doing is also going to come with...

Fear. Doubt. Pain. 

Tears. Shaking.  

Step(s) Backwards. 

Falling on your Face.  

I am moving fast these days! I have had a LOT of growth and shifts in just the last month.  And for the last week (or so) I have been "meh", waffling and weepy.  I have again given my fears the reigns as they are comfortable.  My doubts have taken up residence in every bit of open space available.  I have grown comfortable once more with the familiar pain.  


I have not been writing.  Not completely stopped, just making excuses to not do it like I want.  I have not been moving my body.  Not completely started, just making excuses.  (it was my birthday...yeah,yeah, yeah!  it's winter and cold...blah blah blah!)  The excuses are easy.  The doubts warm and familiar.  The fear is normal.  


The bitch in the corner is happier and not chirping incessantly.  She is smirking and snotty looking now that I turn to really look.  She was even fed soda just about every day last week.  The diet kind that causes spirally, narcissistic tendencies of out of control freak-outs.  Oh, and as a compliment to said yummy diet soda...red fish and m&m's.  (Not together!)  CANDY and SODA!


FUCK!  POP! POP! POP!!  (kinda hoping for some dramatic 'Pop' in me and wouldn't you know it...it is not going to come easily! Not this one! FINE!) 


Last week I was sitting with a Diet Dr. Pepper and a bag of swedish red fish at my desk at work and this is what makes me feel good?!?!?  WTF!?!?  NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!  (who the hell decided these two products should be in vending machines?!?!?)  ARGH!!!  

I am NOT a 12 year old girl.   I am NOT hiding!  I am NOT AFRAID!! 

I am SAFE!  I am LOVED!    

I am WORTHY!  I am BEAUTIFUL!

I am ENOUGH!

How quickly we (when I say we...I mean ME!) can slip back into familiar paths that have not taken us to where we want to be.  How quickly the new path gets foggy and the old one beckons from beyond the trees and we jump ship!

FUCK IT!  

NO MORE!  

Seriously!   

I know what I am doing!  I have support.  I have tools.  I sit here today with another headache that I woke up with and am laying it on the ground for all to see!  I sometimes let go of the horizon and think that the old way will get me there.  Really knowing that it won't.  I have fears.  Serious, deep fears and most of them are just CRAP!  I have doubts.  Yeah, who doesn't?!?!  Pain from the past is just that...THE PAST!   I cry.  BIG FUCKING DEAL!  We all cry.  Cry!  Get it out!  Shaking.  It passes!  It DOES!  Trust me!  


Steps backwards...oh, my friend, nice to see you again.  I appreciate the help to take a step back and review all the hard work I have completed and to get a view of my next steps!  Thanks!  Step or steps backwards don't hurt.  Really you are on the same path!  Don't let those other two jokers (FEAR and DOUBT) make you think otherwise!  Keep going!  


Falling on your face!  Ha!  It's happens...sometimes.  Not always.  It can be self made.  It can be funny and sad all at once.  Again, it does not take you OFF your path!  Falling just allows you to catch your breath and then get back up.  It is in the getting back up that you learn, grow and gather something more for the next steps!  


Today I sit here with my coffee, my music wafting, a bit chilly and not wanting to clean my car off from last night's snow...KNOWING that all these nasty bits that we give so much power to are just itty bits of powerless crap.  The POWER is in ME!  My ENOUGHNESS is just that tank, that power to lay that fear down.  YOUR ENOUGHNESS allows you to reach out for help, if needed.  My ENOUGHNESS takes me a few more steps on my path and I see the light start to peek through again.


Today I am choosing to give my fear and doubt the day off.  How about you? What are you going to give the day off to, just for today?  


What do you give power to?  What do you fear? doubt? cry about?  Don't hide it.  Turn and face it!  Talk about it.  Talk to it.  Look it straight in the eye and say good-bye.  


Let's talk about together!  


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Yours in Enoughness.