What I Love...in 400 Words #DecWriteO

Let me preface this by saying...this is a list, my list and I am hoping that all the love and magic in it will help my heart feel a bit less humbuggy today.  Hopefully, it can inspire you too!  Merry Christmas! <3  




What I Love…(400 words)

Twinkly, sparkly lights on my Christmas tree, and in the darkest of starry night skies or on my car roof from a diamond. 

The smell of fresh coffee as my eyes open to a new day.  Venti Quad 3 pump Nonfat Pumpkin Spice Latte with whip.  Or Gingerbread, depending on time of year. 

Cranberry Fig salt scrub for my winter holiday blues and rough elbows.  Shea Moisture Lotions in all their glorious goodness.  Dress trousers that fit my waist and flow to the floor.  Cute and comfy shoes!  

Books…oh, how I love books! Rumi, Emily Dickinson, Jane Austen, Paulo Coehlo, Pablo Neruda, Brontë, Joseph Campbell, Dr. Seuss, Elizabeth Gilbert

Tarot cards.  Twitter.  The Moon.  Miracles. Angels.  My tea kettle.  Relaxing Salt Baths.  Journals. Monkey Slippers. My iPad. Writing from my heart and in the flow.

Valley of the Moon and Luna Winery.   Red wine.

Portugal…specifically the Magical Island of Madeira.  Yes, it really is Magical there!  

Magic.

Love.

My hair...it took about 30 years for me to finally admit this one and now I fully own it! 

Dark Chocolate. 

Fall and fall weather with the smell of fresh fallen leaves and a touch of chill in the air. 

My Mom.  Shared secrets and treasured memories with both my baby sisters.  Hugs and kisses from Cameron. The amazing, magical blessing of Being Cole Cole.  Jack, who as each day passes and years fly by has become more of a dad to me than I could have ever hoped for in this life.  Loving Friend all over the world who can make me smile, no matter what! 

HUGS.  And Kisses.

Candy Canes hanging on my tree. 

My car, my first car, that still runs and gets me to where I need to go. 

Scarves and wraps.  Fingerless gloves. Sudoku. Painting. Baking orange cranberry bread and snowball cookies. Burt’s Bees Beeswax Lip Balm.  Harry Connick, Jr. College football Saturdays! Pizza Margherita.  Sushi.  Pickles. Ocean air and waves crashing. French toast and crispy bacon. BACON! Breakfast in bed.  Kisses under the stars.  Flip flops.  Pumpkin pear bisque.  Pho Soup. Frick Park. Phipps Conservatory.  The Getty Museums. Blowing bubbles in the sun filled day with my nephew.  Bagel Factory Everything Bagels.  Square Café: everything they make!

Giggling.  Laughing so hard I can not breathe with my sisters. 

Chili simmering on the stove. 

Fresh flowers on my desk. 

Art store sales! 

What do you love?  Think about it, write about it, share it here or anywhere! 

With Love and Christmas Magic! 

xoxoxo

The Secret to Begin

My lovely friend, Amy is offering up a quiet oasis of a writing circle for December.  (You can join in here: Writing Circle with Amy Oscar ) 


Ooooo, in my quiet space I sit with this prompt:  December 5th – Begin. We are going on a journey. Who knows where it will lead? What will you take along? What will you leave behind.
I have sat with this prompt for 9 days now.  Rolling it around my head, my soul and my heart. Searching for the right words, the right path, the right....Woah! Hold up!  


BEGIN!  Simply.  Begin...


Oh, sweet beginning.  There you are again...how nice to meet you.  Shining beauty, shining light. Oh what sweet beginning we begin again...

Photo: Lori Paquette

Oh, bittersweet ending is where my mind goes.  

In my haste I jump too fast to the end...at times...missing the start, the magic, the enoughness of now.  I remembered a beautiful post and an insightful journal lesson from years ago while I was going through my divorce.  I pulled it out and included it here...seems fitting and a wonderful reminder for me, again.  


From a 2005 journal entry:

"Here's a reason for using these questions-- by doing so you acknowledge that it isn't the answers that matter, but the process of asking. You stop focusing on when ______ happens, then you will _____. You start saying, "Now is now, I am okay, and I can start living in the flow now, where everything is valuable."

"Today's Intention: To notice when I focus on the end result, the goal, rather than the unfolding path."


As I sit here today, I can not help but wonder where my sense of wonder and excitement went for the path, the exploring, the adventure.  I get glimpses of it when I am traveling and trapsing around new cities and foreign lands. 


I realized this morning the real secret of BEGIN.  In my magical shower it dawned on me...I keep looking out, looking up, jumping too fast to the end when in reality I simply need to get still, turn within and BEGIN.  


As I sit here still searching for the perfect word the little voice inside is saying, "Just for today!"


So I ask you to join me in this journey as we Begin...just for today!  What will you discover?  What will you feel?  What will you see?  Magical wonder awaits you on your path!  


Just for today...dance the path and do share with me any magical discoveries of the Begin!

Finding Perfection

You know that person who is all or nothing and it has to be PERFECT.   Ugh...I have come understand that part of my self.  Also have come to understand, THIS is not really working so well for me any more.

Ha! Does it ever? 

So, on my path I have started to understand that it is not about perfection.

I think about this when someone comments on how pretty my nails are after my vacation.  Pretty and pink! And all I see are the chipped edges!  Ugh!   Funny, this takes me back to last year when I posted THIS....from Discovering Nicole when I was really getting in touch with who I am.

Perfection.  perfection?  PERFECTION!!!  Hmmm...what does this mean?  I have this battle raging inside me about doing things perfectly, acting perfectly, blah blah blah perfect!

What is perfection?  What is perfect?  

Good ol' wikipedia has a lovely dissection of the word....what struck me about it was this statement: "The word "perfection" derives from the Latin "perfectio" and "perfect" - from "perfectus"  These expressions in turn come from "perficio"-- "to finish" "to bring to an end."  "Perfectio(n)" thus literally means "a finishing", and "perfect(us)" - "finished", much as in grammatical parlance ("perfect"). ~wikipedia

GAH!  My gut reaction was "I don't want perfection if it means the DEATH!"  Yeah, the drama queen is raging.  But as I settle into thinking about this...really it is about the end, the finish, the finale that is the perfect.  So really there is a whole lot that has to go into perfection.  Lots of prep.  Lots of work.  Lots of planning.  Lots of doing.  (Never thought about it this way!)   

For me perfection is the journey.  All my stumbling and discovery and MY messy life...you can read about messy pain here and finding peace here. Oh, and you want to know about my journey (or piece of it) to finding ME? Click here...no really go ahead.  

Here's the thing I have come to understand this week as I thought I was going to write about loneliness vrs. being alone...ha! Really needed to come back to this piece of perfection and see that I am thrilled to be on this journey in all of its joy and wonder, pain and heartache there is so much perfection and beauty in the practice of just being.  

So really it is not about the battle I have been waging inside for much of my life of being perfect or being nothing.  It is about striving, doing, making progress, connecting, loving, being...perfection is the path I am walking in all of its infinite imperfection. 

HA! 

Isn't that just the shit? 

The perfection is in the imperfection on this amazing journey we are sharing in this life.  

What do you think about that?  

I would love to hear your thoughts.    

Summer Vacation

When I was in 3rd grade I wanted to be the spelling bee champ.  I practiced and did everything I could to prepare...the day the class bee came around we all lined up along the window side of the room and took our turns.  One person after another returned to their seats and I was cruising to what I thought would be a victory!   There were just a few kids left and it was my turn...Nicole your word is "VACATION"...and as I started I could feel the confidence leave me as I stuttered and proceeded to misspell a very seemingly simple word.

I remember everything up to that point...then blackness...then the words "Please take your seat".

I was crushed.  I thought I was a failure, a disappointment.  Truth is...I had just made a mistake.

Flash forward many years and you see me with my messy life.  You find that I have not taken a vacation in a very long time!  I worked summers in college. When I started working I had jobs that had "summer" components to them.  I have taken holidays to visit the family or small trips here and there.  I even would do volunteer work in the summer with a fabulous program for girls.  Not really understanding the value or necessity of a good ol' vacation!

The truth is that I just did not know the word: VACATION.  I thought it had to be fancy, expensive and far away.  I thought it was jammed packed with sites and plans.

Just like 3rd grade, I had made a mistake.  One that could be changed!

When I first moved to Pittsburgh we talked about doing a family vacation.  I had not done a family vacation since I was a kid.  So the thought of this was a bit overwhelming.  However, the family takes vacation in the summer.  I can't do that!  (another mistake on my part!)   The family kept pushing back and pushing back the date until this year it was time for me to join them for vacation.

Then prices went too high and plans changed and gas prices went up, again.  Blah, blah, blah!

A plan was made.  The family piled into cars and headed east for a few days.  There was good food, there was bad food, there was laughter...oh, the laughter!  There was a bit of running into to close roads and downed bridges and urgent needs for bathrooms!  (Bicycle, bicycle, bicycle!) There was a roll-away bed and too many people jammed into one room.   It was about caravanning across the state to a far of land with a 3 year old who was fascinated by the little things...swimming in a hotel pool with other kids and climbing on rocks! And ice cream!  Lots of ice cream!

Then we came home to do some more...serious work on vacation now back at my mom's...bubbles are hard work!  Then there was tag with swords...dangerous work.  Oh, and pool time was a joy!  There were fires and smores.  And firefly catching!  Lots of fireflies!  Laughter and squealing and joy!

Even a rainy day could not stop the vacation train of relaxing and enjoyment.

Slowing down, disconnecting from work, connecting with myself and what is important to me has never felt better.

So much to process and move forward with after these fabulous 10 days!  For now here is the start of my lessons learned!  I may not have completed all the things I wanted to on these days off.  And yet somehow I know in my heart and in my head that what I got from this time was so much more than I could have ever bargained for or planned for or had enough money to buy!  PRICELESS!!!


V-A-C-A-T-I-O-N!  

Now I know!

For that I am grateful!  

Forgiving Me...A Hard Step

Dearest Self, 

I forgive you for being afraid.  Yeah, for all the braveness you seem to possess you sure do give in to fear at times.  For that I forgive you.  I ask that you continue to allow support to hold you up as you move towards your dreams, goals and purpose.  

I forgive you for failing on purpose simply because you were afraid of your own success and power and light.  

I forgive you for not listening to your gut and marrying him anyway.  Your need for security was getting in the way of fully connecting to your heart and living your truth.  

I forgive you for not taking the best care of your body.  Your body is a gorgeous vessel that carries you through this life as you do your work and spread your light.  You really can pause to remember to be gentle and loving with her.  She is the means to which you are moving forward on your path.  The lack of attention and pure focus on perceived comfort is a way of the past.  It is time to forgive past transgressions and step confidently into your own power.  She is ready.  You are ready.  Now, I forgive you, let's move on!

Your divine purpose is one filled with love and light.  Allow it to flow to you, through you, into the universe.  You are done pretending you are small and unworthy!

You are safe.  You are beautiful,  You are powerful,  You are ready to share your message.  You have the client pool to tap into.  You have people who support you.  You have people who love you.  You are ready.  You can move beyond the past.  Forgiveness is yours.  I forgive you.

With Love and Gratitude, 

Me

My 6 Month Check-Up

We all need check-ups and check-ins!  I have been dragging my feet about this one...I owe it to you, my fabulous crew, to let you know how I am doing and where I am at! 


I wrote about my 2011 intentions here (go check it out if you have not seen it...I am quite proud of my plans for 2011!)  I also wrote about by lessons learned from 2010 you can also read about that here but I digress...back to this post and my point.  


I needed to check in with myself and my list to see just how my year is shaping up...we are 6 MONTHS into it for crying out loud!  Where are you with your plans, intentions and goals?  (If you need help with any of we can talk about how I can chat!)


Onto my check-up...


Beautiful Body...

• Love what I have:  Check! I am who I am.  The body I have been given and how I have taken are of it for the last 38 years is just part of my perfect path! 
• Sexy Arms:  getting there...I am comfortable showing my arms...they are quick powerful.  I am working on getting them SEXY!  
• Smaller body size: (goal is for a small bath towel to be able to full wrap around my torso.   It is getting there, which is what gave me the idea in the first place.)   Re-posted original goal as it is quiet a good one.  It is getting closer to being a check than not!  :) 
• Lose 85lbs: Progress update: 20lbs gone...slow and steady and all my doing!  
• Move what I have regularly:  getting there with this too!  Will post more when I have more to show.  :) 

Purpose-Driven Business....

• Launch new blog: Check!  Another one may be coming soon...or atleast a move of sorts.  stay tuned for the evolution of this.  :-)  
• Money:  Paypal account established.  Working on my relationship with the green stuff.  Really working on my issues hard core.  We have been grappling over the last week. Hoping to get this wrapped up and moving forward soon! 
• Biz plan: This is in progress.  More to come!  
• Connect with others:  Check!  Ongoing relationships and connections rocking and keeping me grounded!  
• Trip to NYC:  this fell off my radar. Need to look into once more and/or look at other viable options.  
• Learn: CHECK!!  The learning has been amazing!  I could probably write a years worth of posts on just what I have learned in the last 6 months.  Hmm..there is a thought and plan there!  Woooo hoo!  Gonna dig into that one later!   

Heart & Soul....

• Walk @ the Park:  been to the park...beautiful view! 

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    View in Frick Park March 2011

• Music Mornings:  Check!  There is something fabulous about cranking a little dancy music to get your blood flowing with the coffee and writing!  
• Hang out with the people I love:  CHECK!!  Bday party at my house, lots of Cole Cole and Cameron time, girls night at my house, going out to dinner and/or drinks, skype calls, dancing the night away in Madeira, allowing people to take care of me, traveling to see people I love.  Sister time!  Time with Mom!  WOOT!!   
  
  

  
  

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    Cole Cole & Cameron at his very first movie April 2011

• Paint: 
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• Use my PTO time:  working on my plan for this.  Still struggling with taking time off.  I am working on this with the support of friends and a very awesome therapist.  :) 
• Volunteer:  I miss this in my life...need to push this off a bit.  I am ok with that for 2011.  
• Travel:  CHECK! CHECK! CHECK! Passport Stamp! 
  
  

  
  

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    Me on balcony just before sun sets over the Atlantic Ocean @ Madeira

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    Tour around Madeira Island, Portugal April 2011

    
    

    

    MHCI 2009 @ CHI 2011
    Revel Room in Vancouver, Canada
    May 2011

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    Barbie & Ozzy making my bed in Maryland
    May 2011

• Dance:  CHECK! Dancing the night away with the folks in Portugal! 
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        Dancing the night away with Troy
        Madeira, Portugal
        April 2011

        

        with Eduardo @ Madeira

        
        

        

        with Clara, Hitee and some fabulous drink concoction!

• Vacation:  For ME and with Family! Planned and planned!  More to follow this year!  

My Scapegoat: ANGER!

You know when you are doing something that you shouldn't be and you get that gnawing feeling in the pit of your stomach?   Well, I felt like someone or something was chewing on my entire gut region in it's giant clutches this morning.  I woke up just before 5 am...which is not unheard of for me.  I work best in the early morning. I love to write at this fresh time.  However, I knew that I had something to do, something to write, something to release.  It was time!  


You wouldn't know it to see me...I have been carrying around some serious anger.  


I have not been writing; been too busy.  I have not been taking care of my life; been traveling.  I have not been...blah, blah, blah.  FUCK!  


BULLSHIT!!!  Life is messy.  Life is busy.  I get it!  


Let me get really honest here...I have been holding onto this anger ball for some time as it is comfortable, it is easy and fuck me...it is an even EASIER scape goat.  Wait...


WOAH!    Whatcha sayin?  


Yes, I have been hiding behind my anger ball. No, I have not been walking around yelling at folks.  No,I have not been doing anything particularly destructive. Hmm, really!?!  Honesty now!  Fuck, fuck, fuck!  


I HAVE BEEN HIDING!  
I HAVE BEEN HOLDING ONTO MY ANGER!  


So when I woke up this morning I knew it was time.  It was time to less the pressure off and start to release it.  I am not going to blow. That would be less than productive!  


Simply put I wrote and wrote and wrote about what I was angry about until I was done.  There is more on other subjects but the biggie is released.  My gut feels better.  I feel relieved.  Doing this work allowed me to take a look at my calendar and do some planning for time off.  Doing this work made me realize that I have not been writing and I miss it!  Doing this work made room for me to see just how much I have accomplished in the first 5 months of 2011!!!  (more for another post soon!)  


This got me to thinking about my own enoughness and how easy it is to slip back into not living that, not being that and go in a direction that really does not work for me.  So I ask you...What are you holding onto out of comfort, fear, complacency?  Can you let it go today?  Why? Why not?  What are you waiting for?  


Share your story with me here...on facebook...on twitter...in email...or in person.  

I QUIT

Millions of thoughts have been rattling around my head.  I have been trying to catch them.  No, seriously forcing myself to sit down and try to catch them.  Not realizing that the run after them, launch my full body at them only leads to smacking right into frustration.   I know there is an idea or something brilliant in there.  

Yesterday, I took myself out of the office for a little lunch and then a little walk.  Nothing fancy just did it for me.  I took a book, a journal and some pens.  What I realized is that the chasing down ideas is not working for me.  How do I get myself into this series of thought-chasing-frustration-inducing panic?  (more on this later, I am sure!)  

At lunch as I settled into a calmer place where I sat with my rattling idea filled head, I pulled out the book I grabbed off my shelf.  In it was a list of needs that needed attention in my life from January 2004. It was quite eye-opening!  I had made a list of 7 things and then picked MY top 5 priorities and then there was the question of reordering them.  As I looked over my list I was so quickly transported back to 2004...and the list had 4 of the 7 needs that were for other people!  Not surprising.  The boiled down list had 3 of the 5 about other people.  *Sigh*  Really!?!?  

A light bulb in my head started to flicker.  There was a lot going on in 2004 for me (more for another time, maybe) and what I can think right now is just how easy it is for me to put everyone else before myself.  So easy.  The light bulb continues to try to let the light in fully.  

I head out for a quick walk.  It was so beautiful outside yesterday and as I was walking I ran into an acquaintance who I don't normally see.  It was nice to walk with her to her car and catch up on the weekend.  I was out and doing something for me.  It was not hurting anyone else and the work was not going to get up and do itself.  I stop in and grab some coffee before heading back up the street to the work.  

Before I know it I am back in the office and the only thought in my head is...

I QUIT!!!

I pulled out my a note pad and wrote this down.  This was the only thought that needed to come out right now.  I breathed a sigh of relief.  And then realized the work ahead of me with this.  Here I go...I quit...

I QUIT:

• Putting myself last
• Working so hard it leaves no room for me
• Hiding behind work
• Not taking the best care of my body
• Making excuses 
• Believing in other dreams above my own
• Looking into the future when the present is here
• Worrying about what I have no control over
• Ignoring my gut, my intuition, my vibes
• Trying to make connections out of nothing
• Seeing what I want to see
• Living in fear of "what if..."
• Being afraid of getting my heart broken
• Saving my best outfit for another day
• Holding my tongue
• Holding back my emotions
• Putting off my dreams until...one more thing gets done
• Waiting for perfection

This list could go on...I am sure. 

So...I QUIT!!!  

I got lots of other "things" to take up my time and then I realized last night...that was it.  I QUIT!!!

I quit worrying about not having enough clothes because I am losing weight.  Silly thought really since I have more than my share in boxes and more than my share of folks around me who would give me the clothes off their backs in order to help me!  

I quit worrying about being perceived as not doing my job at work.  I do good work.  I am overwhelmed.  I am overworked.  I am tired.  I QUIT!  (no, not my job...not today anyway!)  I am going to do the work I can and I am going to take care of myself.  

I started thinking about being selfish then what other people think about me.  In reality I can NOT control what other people think.  

I can only deal with me and my own actions. 

So this morning I sit here & fully commit to QUITTING!  

What do you think?  What do you need to quit?  How will you start making in-roads for yourself?  How will you put down the easiness of putting everyone else before you?   What will you quit?  

Courageously, I will work on MY list of needs and my list of things I am quitting.

Please join me and share by commenting here, Twitter, Facebook, email or with a friend over lunch.  

Take the time today to step into your enoughness and just quit!