I QUIT

Millions of thoughts have been rattling around my head.  I have been trying to catch them.  No, seriously forcing myself to sit down and try to catch them.  Not realizing that the run after them, launch my full body at them only leads to smacking right into frustration.   I know there is an idea or something brilliant in there.  

Yesterday, I took myself out of the office for a little lunch and then a little walk.  Nothing fancy just did it for me.  I took a book, a journal and some pens.  What I realized is that the chasing down ideas is not working for me.  How do I get myself into this series of thought-chasing-frustration-inducing panic?  (more on this later, I am sure!)  

At lunch as I settled into a calmer place where I sat with my rattling idea filled head, I pulled out the book I grabbed off my shelf.  In it was a list of needs that needed attention in my life from January 2004. It was quite eye-opening!  I had made a list of 7 things and then picked MY top 5 priorities and then there was the question of reordering them.  As I looked over my list I was so quickly transported back to 2004...and the list had 4 of the 7 needs that were for other people!  Not surprising.  The boiled down list had 3 of the 5 about other people.  *Sigh*  Really!?!?  

A light bulb in my head started to flicker.  There was a lot going on in 2004 for me (more for another time, maybe) and what I can think right now is just how easy it is for me to put everyone else before myself.  So easy.  The light bulb continues to try to let the light in fully.  

I head out for a quick walk.  It was so beautiful outside yesterday and as I was walking I ran into an acquaintance who I don't normally see.  It was nice to walk with her to her car and catch up on the weekend.  I was out and doing something for me.  It was not hurting anyone else and the work was not going to get up and do itself.  I stop in and grab some coffee before heading back up the street to the work.  

Before I know it I am back in the office and the only thought in my head is...

I QUIT!!!

I pulled out my a note pad and wrote this down.  This was the only thought that needed to come out right now.  I breathed a sigh of relief.  And then realized the work ahead of me with this.  Here I go...I quit...

I QUIT:

• Putting myself last
• Working so hard it leaves no room for me
• Hiding behind work
• Not taking the best care of my body
• Making excuses 
• Believing in other dreams above my own
• Looking into the future when the present is here
• Worrying about what I have no control over
• Ignoring my gut, my intuition, my vibes
• Trying to make connections out of nothing
• Seeing what I want to see
• Living in fear of "what if..."
• Being afraid of getting my heart broken
• Saving my best outfit for another day
• Holding my tongue
• Holding back my emotions
• Putting off my dreams until...one more thing gets done
• Waiting for perfection

This list could go on...I am sure. 

So...I QUIT!!!  

I got lots of other "things" to take up my time and then I realized last night...that was it.  I QUIT!!!

I quit worrying about not having enough clothes because I am losing weight.  Silly thought really since I have more than my share in boxes and more than my share of folks around me who would give me the clothes off their backs in order to help me!  

I quit worrying about being perceived as not doing my job at work.  I do good work.  I am overwhelmed.  I am overworked.  I am tired.  I QUIT!  (no, not my job...not today anyway!)  I am going to do the work I can and I am going to take care of myself.  

I started thinking about being selfish then what other people think about me.  In reality I can NOT control what other people think.  

I can only deal with me and my own actions. 

So this morning I sit here & fully commit to QUITTING!  

What do you think?  What do you need to quit?  How will you start making in-roads for yourself?  How will you put down the easiness of putting everyone else before you?   What will you quit?  

Courageously, I will work on MY list of needs and my list of things I am quitting.

Please join me and share by commenting here, Twitter, Facebook, email or with a friend over lunch.  

Take the time today to step into your enoughness and just quit!  

F*#K YOU...I Just Don't Care

I just don't care anymore...

No, really...I just don't.

I. DO. NOT. FUCKING. CARE.   

I don't care about what YOU think. 

I don't care about what YOU say! 

I don't care about the ways that you have hurt me or controlled me.  

And I certainly don't care about the ways I have let you manipulate me into something I am not!  

So, I realize today...I just don't care anymore!  

                         Breath in and hold...release...Breath, Nicole...just breath...


I need to repeat this again...


I just don't fucking care anymore!  


                       Just keep breathing...

I watch it all fall away....


          Slip quietly away from choking my soul 
                 and retreat quickly from eclipsing my heart.

I am done carrying it around. 

DONE! 

I just don't care anymore for...

Your critical voice in my head as I get dressed. 

             GONE!!

Your harsh voice as I slipped into dreams of the future. 

          Washes away in the falling rain. 

Your fear-filled voice as I plan adventures for MY life. 

        Runs for the hills in fear that it will be silenced. 

Your voice spewing negative thoughts that invaded my soul and crushed my spirit.

        slips away as another's heart joined mine as we made love.  

Your voice and negative outlook on life, on me, on love 

       vanishes as I quietly passionately embrace my future.

I just don't care about your thoughts, your voice, your pressure on me. 

I just don't care of keep carrying it around with me. 

It's yours!

Not mine. 

I get that I chose you all those years ago. I was a different person. 


I AM a DIFFERENT woman today! 


Years ago sitting at a stop light...the song played on the radio, the light lasted for minutes longer than it should have, and I cried. Real tears of pain and relief washing over me as I started to reappear to myself and quietly say  "I don't fucking care!" 


In the days years now...I walked away from you.  I walked towards the unknown with hope and wonder.  You were left standing, wondering who I was and how I got there.

Shame on me for hiding it for all this time. 


This is me! 


I like who I am! I like the life I have chosen. I have made mistakes. I have made messes. I have had some glorious successes! I have had some fantastic adventures and excitement. I made peace with the fact that sometimes a hot bath and glass of wine alone soothe my weary soul. I like that my heart is open again. I speak my mind. I share how I feel. Most of the time I can not hide it from being seen on my face. I don't care about what anyone else thinks about this.  


This is ME!

I am fucking done with hiding for fear that YOU won't feel big enough, special enough, whatever enough! I am ENOUGH! YOU are enough!

I ONLY have control over ME! You are welcome to join me if you are at the point where those voices in your head just don't matter anymore! 


So if you are ready to stand up and just say FUCK YOU! 


I just don't care join me, comment here, tweet this, repost this, blog about it, email me!  Let's keep the conversation going!  


It is time to stop hiding for fear of what THEY might think!  


For me...I just don't care anymore! 


How about you...what do you think?  

Turn the Light On Me...not YOU!

So busy looking out, up, to you for acceptance, love, reassurance, what?  Why?  The fear that has set in for me is quite honestly humiliating.  Really?!?  I am so concerned about what "YOU" think versus what I do?  FUCK!!!  

For as long as I can remember I have been trying, sometimes with great success, to get that external approval, that external acceptance.  Striving to look a certain way, get a certain grade, perform a certain piece, get a part, play a part, wear a dress, don't wear a dress.  Long hair, longer hair.  Never short hair.  

My mom has told me a story about me and my independent ways. Several stories for another time. I know that I am independent.  Not really in question here.  However, that level of confident independence got covered over with a fear-laden way of operating.  The fear-laden way gave way for self-doubt and fears that grew monster-ish in the dark.  No really, like nightmarish hell if I did not bring home the best report card, if i thought about cutting my hair, if i did not get hits in the game.  So I did all of this...I got great report cards, I loved my long hair, and I always had a great batting average.  Sad part was that no matter how good I was or how many layers I piled on to be what I thought "YOU" wanted me to be, it was never going to be enough.  For YOU.  

This became painfully apparent when my parent's split.  The anger and pain that was thrust onto me was crushing.  It put holes in my spirit, in my soul and broke my heart.  How was I to ever get it?  How was I ever going to find someone to really love me?  How was I ever going to be enough for "YOU"?  

Unconditional love is something that a parent is supposed to give.  It is always supposed to be there.  It is never supposed to have strings.  In my opinion this is a highly volitile thought pattern that leads to great disappointment.  See parents do love us with the best of their abilities at the time that they have us.  There is no manual on unconditional love or how to raise a child.   They want us to succeed.  To be happy.  To find love.  They teach us about this each step of the way.  Sometimes is it highly misguided and sometimes it is spot on! 

  

What I have learned through my many sessions of growing up is that everything I have needed has been in me all along.  I just covered it up a bit and then let it get over-run through the years of looking out, looking up, looking to "YOU" instead of looking in, looking within, looking to ME.  I have also realized that the guides that I have been given throughout life have truly been angels on earth...sisters, aunts and uncles, friends, mentors, teachers, strangers!  (stories for another time!) 

My enoughness is with me always.  Broken hearts has healed or are healing.  My actions are just that MINE.  My life is messy and all MINE!  

I am turning the light on now to see that what I thought was monsterishly growing in the dark is just a piece of my past that can not hurt me any more.  Time to move on just a bit more!  

See...what "YOU" want does not drive me, does not feed or fuel me, it is not about me.  

The light is on, I am safe, I am enough.  

What are you afraid of looking at with the lights on?  What are you holding onto from way back in the day?  Take some time to really look at what YOU want versus what you think someone else wants.  

Remember your enoughness is with you always, just waiting for you to turn the light on and see.  

Black Bag, White Space

During the month of February I spent a great deal of reflective time in my space.  It was cleaned up, organized and generally ready for the public.  This makes me happy and really opened up space for me to evaluate the "stuff".

I hate cleaning the bathroom.  Loathe it on a cellular level.  Admittedly, I make a mess in the bathroom.  Between the shampoos, conditioners, leave in treatments, face scrubs, face washes,  and soaps of the bar and gel sort in the shower, to the hair stuff, face stuff, make-up stuff around the sink...there is a lot of mess to be made in there!  Oh, and then it all gets glued down with just a touch of hair spray!   And the hair that gathers sends any dust bunny courageous enough the wander into the bathroom running for fear!   It is and can be THAT bad if left alone for too long!
Publish Post
The window sill has been loaded with stuff since I moved into this place in November 2006.  Hell, my bathroom has been loaded for years before this!  Let's be honest.  Friends would come over and comment on the options in my bathroom or how they might go shopping in there.  Yeah, there was plenty to choose from for sure.

The root question is not why so much stuff but rather why do I feel the need to have that much stuff around me in the bathroom?  The smallest room in my house has the largest ratio of stuff to space.  Seriously.

On a recent Sunday afternoon, I arrived at the bathroom with black trash bag in hand and a sense of wonder about having white space in there.  I scooped almost empty bottles off the window ledge, out of the corner of the tub and off the shower door rail.  Oh! MY! Then I turned and faced the shelves above the toilet.

Moving bottles.  Running my fingers over them.  Putting them to my nose to smell.  Then plopped them one by one into the black abyss.  The medicine cabinet got a pass since I really can tell you the handful of items in there and it gets cleaned often.  Below the sink and the drawer there were a whole other story!

Scoop!  Move!  Hmm...when did I...where did this...buh-bye!  Lotion from 2007!  Really!  Unopened, "free" make-up kits that were not my colors.  All slid into the bag.  Then I shut the door to see the shoe bag thingy turned catch-all for hair stuff.  Sigh.  Even that had been over-run with bottles and items that had not seen the light of day in who knows how long.  Plucking them one by one out of the pockets and dropping them into the bag gave me such a sense of relief.

Space Made!

In total that afternoon 52 items went into the black trash bag.  52! Yes, I was counting.  As I stopped and looked around the tiny room I realized that it was stocked.  Truthfully stocked with more than enough items. I lugged the bag towards the front door.  Proud.  Exhilarated.  ENOUGH!  I have enough, more than enough, in there.  I did.  I let the rest go.

As I lifted the lid to the trash can I realized I was not going to be able to throw the bag in with one arm.  I sat it there on the ground for all the neighbors to see and walked back up the stairs.  Good bye.

The door shut with it's normal thud and suddenly I was scared.  Scared that I would smell bad because I did not have enough soap or shampoo.  Scared that I would not have enough eye make-up for work.  Scared of the space I opened.  I sat with my fears.  I gently faced them, slowly laid them down with peace in my heart. I no longer needed them to rile me, fuel me, send me into chaos.  Really, truly let them go.  I had enough.

I had soap, shampoo, toilet paper and lotion.  I had enough.  I have enough.  And the fears along with the black bag have been laid to rest for the day.  For this year.  For my future, my life.

Enough.

What have you done to create space in your life?  How do you manage your stuff?  Does your stuff manage you?  What can you do today to make a little more space in your life for you?

No One's Looking...

Sometimes when no one is looking, I cry.

Sometimes I dress up in clothes I dare to wear and DON'T.

Sometimes I paint beautiful images that flow from my heart.

Sometimes I wonder if I am loved.

         And sometimes I sleep. 

Who are YOU when no one is looking?  

Sometimes I know that I am safe, 

    Sometimes I don't.  

Sometimes I know 

AND 

believe I am ENOUGH.

Sometimes I even forget to act tough.

When no one's looking I can get scared, 

Sometimes we can't help it, and 

wonder does anybody really care?

Sometimes I hold on tight to the love I feel and can not see.

I trust that my enoughness is enough and let it be.

Who are you sometimes is a piece of who you are as a whole.

Who you are sometimes is ENOUGH. 

Sometimes make up all the little pieces of YOU!

And YOU are ENOUGH!  

Who are you when no one is looking?  

Share your thoughts and comments here or 

on Facebook, Twitter, Email me directly.  

Heart Wide Open...

Today is Valentine's Day.  

Yup, it is a very polarized holiday.  

I myself have been known to criticize and grumble about it.  

I have decided in my journey to enoughness that it is once again time to let go of old patterns and bad habits.  Yes, even the grumblings that come easily from my own fears of not being enough.  I will work on saying what I need to say, when I need to say it, where i need to say it.

So today I sit here with my heart wide open, embracing that what I say might be too much, yet always from my heart of hearts, sometimes with a kick and sometimes with gentle kindness.  Always me!

With my heart wide open I say to you how much I love you and appreciate you in my life (online & irl).

Your friendship, support, and love  

(sometimes a kick in the ass or a dangerously lovely message) get me through tough times, celebrate the good ones and always have my back.  

I give my love, friendship & support to YOU 

openly and with a grateful heart! 

I leave you with a lovely video reminder...courtesy of the wonderful John Mayer...

Swedish Red Fish & Diet Dr. Pepper

Changing.  Growing.  Discovering.  

Unearthing.  Moving.  Shifting.  

Whatever "it" is that you have been doing is also going to come with...

Fear. Doubt. Pain. 

Tears. Shaking.  

Step(s) Backwards. 

Falling on your Face.  

I am moving fast these days! I have had a LOT of growth and shifts in just the last month.  And for the last week (or so) I have been "meh", waffling and weepy.  I have again given my fears the reigns as they are comfortable.  My doubts have taken up residence in every bit of open space available.  I have grown comfortable once more with the familiar pain.  


I have not been writing.  Not completely stopped, just making excuses to not do it like I want.  I have not been moving my body.  Not completely started, just making excuses.  (it was my birthday...yeah,yeah, yeah!  it's winter and cold...blah blah blah!)  The excuses are easy.  The doubts warm and familiar.  The fear is normal.  


The bitch in the corner is happier and not chirping incessantly.  She is smirking and snotty looking now that I turn to really look.  She was even fed soda just about every day last week.  The diet kind that causes spirally, narcissistic tendencies of out of control freak-outs.  Oh, and as a compliment to said yummy diet soda...red fish and m&m's.  (Not together!)  CANDY and SODA!


FUCK!  POP! POP! POP!!  (kinda hoping for some dramatic 'Pop' in me and wouldn't you know it...it is not going to come easily! Not this one! FINE!) 


Last week I was sitting with a Diet Dr. Pepper and a bag of swedish red fish at my desk at work and this is what makes me feel good?!?!?  WTF!?!?  NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!  (who the hell decided these two products should be in vending machines?!?!?)  ARGH!!!  

I am NOT a 12 year old girl.   I am NOT hiding!  I am NOT AFRAID!! 

I am SAFE!  I am LOVED!    

I am WORTHY!  I am BEAUTIFUL!

I am ENOUGH!

How quickly we (when I say we...I mean ME!) can slip back into familiar paths that have not taken us to where we want to be.  How quickly the new path gets foggy and the old one beckons from beyond the trees and we jump ship!

FUCK IT!  

NO MORE!  

Seriously!   

I know what I am doing!  I have support.  I have tools.  I sit here today with another headache that I woke up with and am laying it on the ground for all to see!  I sometimes let go of the horizon and think that the old way will get me there.  Really knowing that it won't.  I have fears.  Serious, deep fears and most of them are just CRAP!  I have doubts.  Yeah, who doesn't?!?!  Pain from the past is just that...THE PAST!   I cry.  BIG FUCKING DEAL!  We all cry.  Cry!  Get it out!  Shaking.  It passes!  It DOES!  Trust me!  


Steps backwards...oh, my friend, nice to see you again.  I appreciate the help to take a step back and review all the hard work I have completed and to get a view of my next steps!  Thanks!  Step or steps backwards don't hurt.  Really you are on the same path!  Don't let those other two jokers (FEAR and DOUBT) make you think otherwise!  Keep going!  


Falling on your face!  Ha!  It's happens...sometimes.  Not always.  It can be self made.  It can be funny and sad all at once.  Again, it does not take you OFF your path!  Falling just allows you to catch your breath and then get back up.  It is in the getting back up that you learn, grow and gather something more for the next steps!  


Today I sit here with my coffee, my music wafting, a bit chilly and not wanting to clean my car off from last night's snow...KNOWING that all these nasty bits that we give so much power to are just itty bits of powerless crap.  The POWER is in ME!  My ENOUGHNESS is just that tank, that power to lay that fear down.  YOUR ENOUGHNESS allows you to reach out for help, if needed.  My ENOUGHNESS takes me a few more steps on my path and I see the light start to peek through again.


Today I am choosing to give my fear and doubt the day off.  How about you? What are you going to give the day off to, just for today?  


What do you give power to?  What do you fear? doubt? cry about?  Don't hide it.  Turn and face it!  Talk about it.  Talk to it.  Look it straight in the eye and say good-bye.  


Let's talk about together!  


Leave a comment, send an email, tweet me! 




Yours in Enoughness.