So busy looking out, up, to you for acceptance, love, reassurance, what? Why? The fear that has set in for me is quite honestly humiliating. Really?!? I am so concerned about what "YOU" think versus what I do? FUCK!!!
For as long as I can remember I have been trying, sometimes with great success, to get that external approval, that external acceptance. Striving to look a certain way, get a certain grade, perform a certain piece, get a part, play a part, wear a dress, don't wear a dress. Long hair, longer hair. Never short hair.
My mom has told me a story about me and my independent ways. Several stories for another time. I know that I am independent. Not really in question here. However, that level of confident independence got covered over with a fear-laden way of operating. The fear-laden way gave way for self-doubt and fears that grew monster-ish in the dark. No really, like nightmarish hell if I did not bring home the best report card, if i thought about cutting my hair, if i did not get hits in the game. So I did all of this...I got great report cards, I loved my long hair, and I always had a great batting average. Sad part was that no matter how good I was or how many layers I piled on to be what I thought "YOU" wanted me to be, it was never going to be enough. For YOU.
This became painfully apparent when my parent's split. The anger and pain that was thrust onto me was crushing. It put holes in my spirit, in my soul and broke my heart. How was I to ever get it? How was I ever going to find someone to really love me? How was I ever going to be enough for "YOU"?
Unconditional love is something that a parent is supposed to give. It is always supposed to be there. It is never supposed to have strings. In my opinion this is a highly volitile thought pattern that leads to great disappointment. See parents do love us with the best of their abilities at the time that they have us. There is no manual on unconditional love or how to raise a child. They want us to succeed. To be happy. To find love. They teach us about this each step of the way. Sometimes is it highly misguided and sometimes it is spot on!
What I have learned through my many sessions of growing up is that everything I have needed has been in me all along. I just covered it up a bit and then let it get over-run through the years of looking out, looking up, looking to "YOU" instead of looking in, looking within, looking to ME. I have also realized that the guides that I have been given throughout life have truly been angels on earth...sisters, aunts and uncles, friends, mentors, teachers, strangers! (stories for another time!)
My enoughness is with me always. Broken hearts has healed or are healing. My actions are just that MINE. My life is messy and all MINE!
I am turning the light on now to see that what I thought was monsterishly growing in the dark is just a piece of my past that can not hurt me any more. Time to move on just a bit more!
See...what "YOU" want does not drive me, does not feed or fuel me, it is not about me.
The light is on, I am safe, I am enough.
What are you afraid of looking at with the lights on? What are you holding onto from way back in the day? Take some time to really look at what YOU want versus what you think someone else wants.
Remember your enoughness is with you always, just waiting for you to turn the light on and see.
