Turn the Light On Me...not YOU!

So busy looking out, up, to you for acceptance, love, reassurance, what?  Why?  The fear that has set in for me is quite honestly humiliating.  Really?!?  I am so concerned about what "YOU" think versus what I do?  FUCK!!!  

For as long as I can remember I have been trying, sometimes with great success, to get that external approval, that external acceptance.  Striving to look a certain way, get a certain grade, perform a certain piece, get a part, play a part, wear a dress, don't wear a dress.  Long hair, longer hair.  Never short hair.  

My mom has told me a story about me and my independent ways. Several stories for another time. I know that I am independent.  Not really in question here.  However, that level of confident independence got covered over with a fear-laden way of operating.  The fear-laden way gave way for self-doubt and fears that grew monster-ish in the dark.  No really, like nightmarish hell if I did not bring home the best report card, if i thought about cutting my hair, if i did not get hits in the game.  So I did all of this...I got great report cards, I loved my long hair, and I always had a great batting average.  Sad part was that no matter how good I was or how many layers I piled on to be what I thought "YOU" wanted me to be, it was never going to be enough.  For YOU.  

This became painfully apparent when my parent's split.  The anger and pain that was thrust onto me was crushing.  It put holes in my spirit, in my soul and broke my heart.  How was I to ever get it?  How was I ever going to find someone to really love me?  How was I ever going to be enough for "YOU"?  

Unconditional love is something that a parent is supposed to give.  It is always supposed to be there.  It is never supposed to have strings.  In my opinion this is a highly volitile thought pattern that leads to great disappointment.  See parents do love us with the best of their abilities at the time that they have us.  There is no manual on unconditional love or how to raise a child.   They want us to succeed.  To be happy.  To find love.  They teach us about this each step of the way.  Sometimes is it highly misguided and sometimes it is spot on! 

  

What I have learned through my many sessions of growing up is that everything I have needed has been in me all along.  I just covered it up a bit and then let it get over-run through the years of looking out, looking up, looking to "YOU" instead of looking in, looking within, looking to ME.  I have also realized that the guides that I have been given throughout life have truly been angels on earth...sisters, aunts and uncles, friends, mentors, teachers, strangers!  (stories for another time!) 

My enoughness is with me always.  Broken hearts has healed or are healing.  My actions are just that MINE.  My life is messy and all MINE!  

I am turning the light on now to see that what I thought was monsterishly growing in the dark is just a piece of my past that can not hurt me any more.  Time to move on just a bit more!  

See...what "YOU" want does not drive me, does not feed or fuel me, it is not about me.  

The light is on, I am safe, I am enough.  

What are you afraid of looking at with the lights on?  What are you holding onto from way back in the day?  Take some time to really look at what YOU want versus what you think someone else wants.  

Remember your enoughness is with you always, just waiting for you to turn the light on and see.  

Black Bag, White Space

During the month of February I spent a great deal of reflective time in my space.  It was cleaned up, organized and generally ready for the public.  This makes me happy and really opened up space for me to evaluate the "stuff".

I hate cleaning the bathroom.  Loathe it on a cellular level.  Admittedly, I make a mess in the bathroom.  Between the shampoos, conditioners, leave in treatments, face scrubs, face washes,  and soaps of the bar and gel sort in the shower, to the hair stuff, face stuff, make-up stuff around the sink...there is a lot of mess to be made in there!  Oh, and then it all gets glued down with just a touch of hair spray!   And the hair that gathers sends any dust bunny courageous enough the wander into the bathroom running for fear!   It is and can be THAT bad if left alone for too long!
Publish Post
The window sill has been loaded with stuff since I moved into this place in November 2006.  Hell, my bathroom has been loaded for years before this!  Let's be honest.  Friends would come over and comment on the options in my bathroom or how they might go shopping in there.  Yeah, there was plenty to choose from for sure.

The root question is not why so much stuff but rather why do I feel the need to have that much stuff around me in the bathroom?  The smallest room in my house has the largest ratio of stuff to space.  Seriously.

On a recent Sunday afternoon, I arrived at the bathroom with black trash bag in hand and a sense of wonder about having white space in there.  I scooped almost empty bottles off the window ledge, out of the corner of the tub and off the shower door rail.  Oh! MY! Then I turned and faced the shelves above the toilet.

Moving bottles.  Running my fingers over them.  Putting them to my nose to smell.  Then plopped them one by one into the black abyss.  The medicine cabinet got a pass since I really can tell you the handful of items in there and it gets cleaned often.  Below the sink and the drawer there were a whole other story!

Scoop!  Move!  Hmm...when did I...where did this...buh-bye!  Lotion from 2007!  Really!  Unopened, "free" make-up kits that were not my colors.  All slid into the bag.  Then I shut the door to see the shoe bag thingy turned catch-all for hair stuff.  Sigh.  Even that had been over-run with bottles and items that had not seen the light of day in who knows how long.  Plucking them one by one out of the pockets and dropping them into the bag gave me such a sense of relief.

Space Made!

In total that afternoon 52 items went into the black trash bag.  52! Yes, I was counting.  As I stopped and looked around the tiny room I realized that it was stocked.  Truthfully stocked with more than enough items. I lugged the bag towards the front door.  Proud.  Exhilarated.  ENOUGH!  I have enough, more than enough, in there.  I did.  I let the rest go.

As I lifted the lid to the trash can I realized I was not going to be able to throw the bag in with one arm.  I sat it there on the ground for all the neighbors to see and walked back up the stairs.  Good bye.

The door shut with it's normal thud and suddenly I was scared.  Scared that I would smell bad because I did not have enough soap or shampoo.  Scared that I would not have enough eye make-up for work.  Scared of the space I opened.  I sat with my fears.  I gently faced them, slowly laid them down with peace in my heart. I no longer needed them to rile me, fuel me, send me into chaos.  Really, truly let them go.  I had enough.

I had soap, shampoo, toilet paper and lotion.  I had enough.  I have enough.  And the fears along with the black bag have been laid to rest for the day.  For this year.  For my future, my life.

Enough.

What have you done to create space in your life?  How do you manage your stuff?  Does your stuff manage you?  What can you do today to make a little more space in your life for you?